I read somewhere that at 30 people go through a big "who am I, why am I here" dilemma. I was too busy at the time to get that memo. Now at 31, I guess it's started rearing its ugly head in my thoughts.
It's not pretty.
Lately I have noticed that I randomly remember little events in the past that I am not proud of...moments that I said something or did something that 31 year old Lisa would bitch slap young Lisa for...moments that I would change if I could even though I have moved on. The problem is it kind of brings me down and then I start getting snarky about everything going on in the present because my mood lingers.
Lately what has been bothering me is it is becoming glaringly obvious that some of the people in my life base their opinions of me as well as how they address and react to me on who I was 5 to 10 to 15 years ago.
What brought this on? Well, facebook naturally. I sent out a friend request to someone I knew in college and we had a bit of a falling out to put it nicely in college...very juvenile, but to this person I was a horrible person. I will agree that I was immature, but not horrible. She ignored my friend request. Now this person is deeply involved in the Christian ministry yet that much resentment still remains after almost 10 years? All I can think of is wow...was I that bad? Am I still? Probably not the healthiest line of thinking but oh well.
Then the guilt sets in...why should I even care what people think of me? I shouldn't. But I do. Maybe I want people to see me for who I am today and not who I was...not that I was terrible, but no one is perfect.
I guess I should not try to self reflect while being completely exhausted.
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