Expressions of Sympathy

The housekeeping lady in my office has been out for the past few weeks and started back this morning.  She was out because her husband had a massive heart attack, remained at the Drake Center for several days, then sadly passed away.  As she walked into my office (I didn't know she was coming back today until she walked in) I had no idea what to say to her outside of our normal chit chat about the weather and needing coffee.

That seems to be a theme when talking to someone going through a major life change.  Since everyone handles grief and change differently, it is impossible to know what to say that 1) will not piss off or offend the person, 2) will not come across completely fake or insincere, and 3) that will actually express the intended message of sympathy or empathy to the recipient.

I know that everyone handles loss differently.  Some cry and like being comforted.  Some like being alone to grieve privately.  Some prefer to talk about their memories of the person.  Some want to go on like nothing has happened.  None of this is wrong.

The difficulty comes in how to approach someone dealing with such a loss.  Since everyone deals differently, they also react to well meaning expressions of sympathy differently.  Expressing sympathy can come in forms of 1) just a few words of sympathy but no difference in regular conversation, 2) offers to talk about feelings, 3) mothering instinct that makes the sympathizer want to take care of the person suffering, or 4) completely ignoring the subject all together not knowing what in the world to say.

None of the approaches above are necessarily wrong, just as there is no wrong way to express grief.  The trouble comes when the reactions above clash.  Rather than seeing the offers of support as just that, the griever may see the expressions as bossy, ordering around, or insensitive.  So it almost seems like the best option is to say NOTHING, but even then someone may be upset because they want the comfort.   

So how do we handle this???????????????

Well, my conclusion is to just offer my condolences my own way.  If the person gets offended, I will apologize.  If they think I am being fake or insincere, I will let them be upset knowing their real anger isn't at me but at their loss.  That is really all any of us can do.